


The Moments We Pretend

by JayceCarter



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Non-Explicit Sex, Past Thane Krios/Shepard, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 02:57:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14583429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayceCarter/pseuds/JayceCarter
Summary: Kaidan has always felt something for Shepard even if there had never been time to act on it. When she finally returns those advances, Kaidan is ecstatic. At least, until he is forced to remember the universe is not a kind place, and sometimes people have to pretend to get through it.





	The Moments We Pretend

Shepard sat across from Kaidan, her eyes rimmed in red. Her hair hung forward, her arms on the table of the cafe. He'd never envy her the weight on her shoulders, the whole damned world looking at her to save them. It was just a miracle it had taken her this long to crack.

She didn't look up, gaze on her hands as she opened and closed her fists. "Is everything okay? You don't ever ask me to come see you."

"Figured this was like a sanity check. So much has happened, I thought that eating a meal together might let us pretend the whole galaxy isn't falling apart."

"Is that what normal people do? They just pretend shit isn't going wrong?"

He frowned at her statement. Jane didn't tend to dwell on the negative, on the things that had gone wrong. No, she moved forward, she kept going.

"What's wrong? I mean, other than the whole Reaper's killing everyone off."

"Just the universe kicking us when we're down. Doesn't seem to matter what we do, we get fucked in the end."

He reached out and set his hand on hers. "Earth will be okay. They'll hold out as long as they need to. You've done so much; we've done so much."

"It won't matter. How does it any of it matter if we can't keep anything?" She pulled away and dropped her head into her hands.

People turned to stare, always desperate for drama, and what drama was better than the hero of the galaxy falling apart?

Kaidan moved to the seat beside her. He slid his arm around her shoulders, an intimate touch he'd never tried before.

Sure, he'd wanted her since they'd met. Who wouldn't want the great Commander Shepard? Who wouldn't watch the things she did and want to be a part of her world, to have a taste of that intensity, of the legend?

However, their lives had never settled enough for him to pursue it, to even consider it. He'd resigned those feelings to the dark corners of his mind where he could see them when alone in his room. Those nights, especially when she’d left, when they’d been so far away, he’d let himself pretend she was waiting for him somewhere.

Even when they'd sparred, when their bodies had twisted together, he'd shoved down the lust at the proximity. It was never the right time.

Now? With his arm around her, her body against his, he failed to keep that separate. "Talk to me, Jane. I've known you a long time. We're close. You know I respect you, I mean, you mean a lot to me. You always have. There’s always been something there."

She twisted so she faced him. It brought her face right in front of his, only a breath apart. "There is?"

"Yeah. Maybe this isn't the right time, but yeah. I've thought about it, about us."

She leaned in, her lips brushing his. It wasn't a kiss, just a suggestion of what could be. "Come on."

She was up and on the way so fast he struggled to keep up. This wasn't like the walks to a hook-up's place he'd done before, where they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Those times before, usually lubricated by a fair amount of alcohol, had involved clumsy groping and dirty looks from passers-by.

They didn't touch as the took the elevator, as they rushed past the people who all ignored the war, who all rushed about their own lives.

As soon as they entered her apartment, Shepard shoved him against the wall and took his lips in an aggressive kiss. Her fingers played along the console by the door to lock it, her other pulling the zipper on Kaidan's top.

He slid his fingers into her hair, closing them into a fist to hold her still while he returned the frantic kiss. He wanted to hold her still, to keep her from leaving just this once.

This wasn't the Shepard he'd known. Sure, partly because they'd never done this, but also because she was careful to a fault. She'd always planned ten steps ahead, leaving the rest of them struggling to keep up. There was no plan in her movements, nothing but desperation.

When she got his shirt unzipped, she shoved it from his shoulders. It fell to a heap on the floor. Her fingers moved over his shoulders, his chest, over the scars they'd gotten together.

She broke from the kiss to unzip her top. All basic issue, both of them having been in the military long enough they worried little about civilian wear. At least it meant getting each other out of it was easy.

Kaidan reached for her, wanted to drag his fingers over the exposed skin. A basic black bra hid her breasts from him, but he'd never expect lace or satin from Shepard.

No, Jane was more practical than that. In fact, the black surprised him. He'd expected gray cotton, and he'd have been thrilled to see any of it. There was nothing Jane could have been wearing that wouldn't draw him, not after everything they'd been through.

He caught her behind her neck and pulled her back against him as they tripped backward toward the bedroom.

Her fingers fumbled with his pants while his hand found her breast, kneading it through the simple black bra.

He broke the kiss to kick off his boots, gaze moving through the apartment in a general survey. Have as many enemies as they'd created, you learned to check surroundings.

Empty cups sat around, the signs of a get-together. "Are you having parties without me?"

She didn't look toward the mess, the motion clipped and clumsy. Was she avoiding it?

The dextro food on a discarded plate said Garrus had been there, but not just him. Judging by the cups, the plates, there couldn't have been less than fifteen people?

Jane moved forward, a burst of energy that ended with her arms wrapped around his shoulders, her legs wound around his waist. He took the weight with ease, hands going to her ass. Even through the pants, he could feel the muscle beneath his fingers.

Her lips sought his again, her fingers digging into the back of his neck, nails biting in.

"Impatient?" He chuckled until he turned his head more, even when she grasped his chin to keep his gaze on her.

In the corner of the room, a large picture sat like a shrine. The drell from the hospital, Thane. Kaidan hadn't been blind, he'd known there had been something between them.

He'd also heard about the drell dying, sacrificing himself to give the councilor time to escape.

His stomach tightened. "Jane-"

"-Don't talk." Her fingers bit into his jaw as she tried to reclaim his attention.

"Wait a minute. Is this- was this Thane's funeral?"

She swallowed hard but didn't answer. Her forehead pressed against his.

"You had his funeral today? What the hell are you doing here with me?"

She didn't pull back, didn't give him enough room to look at her, to judge what she thought.

He was a fool. He'd thought she'd wanted him, that she'd finally looked at him like he'd seen her for years.

It wasn't like that, though. Everything made sense: the desperation, the way none of it had been about him, about them. She was just trying to drown her pain in him.

She slid her legs to the floor, her face averted. "Just go," she whispered.

He caught her wrist, pulling it as she tried to retreat, to run. "Talk to me."

"Why? Will that bring him back?"

"No, but maybe it’ll help."

"What would have helped was you making me forget for just a little while. Help me think I could still have something after this over, that this war wasn’t going to take everything from me. I understand why you might not want that, so it's okay. We'll forget this."

He didn't let her go, this time pulling her enough so he could cup her cheek with his palm. It let him see her face, but she still wouldn't meet his gaze. "Is that what you need? Do you think that's going to make you feel better?"

"I don't know. I only know I can't breathe, I can't think. It's like I'm hollow, like I was run through and not him. I don't think I accepted it until today, until I had to stand in front of a bunch of people and admit he was gone, that I wasn't ever going to see him again."

Kaidan rubbed his thumb against her cheek. He hadn't known, wouldn't have guessed that sort of connection between the two.

It made him hate the drell a bit, to have had Jane in a way Kaidan never would. They'd talked while in the hospital, Thane claiming he was keeping him company despite Kaidan knowing damned well it was Thane protecting him.

Would he have protected Kaidan if he'd known how he felt about Jane?

Probably. Thane seemed like a noble type, something that annoyed Kaidan. It would be easier to hate him if he wasn’t so damned good. In fact, he probably would have accepted anything Kaidan could do to help Jane.

Though, he doubted that included have sex with her.

Or, hell, maybe it did. Or maybe Kaidan was so desperate for anything from Jane, he'd make excuses to make it happen.

"You never said he was anything more than a fling."

"Why would I? You think I don't know how you look at me? Why would I dig that any deeper?"

"So you never thought about us like that?"

She shook her head. "No. I'm sorry."

Kaidan let out a soft laugh, one full of all that longing he'd tucked away. "Yeah, I can't say that's the answer I wanted, but it's not a surprise, either."

She sighed and pulled away. "I never should have asked you here, never should have put you in this position. I'm-"

"-Would it help? If we did this, even though you don't want me, not really, would it help you?"

Jane took her lip between her teeth, her gaze moving over to the picture for the first time. The sadness in those eyes? The brokenness? Kaidan had watched her lose so many people, but it had never been like this. She really had loved the drell, hadn't she?

Finally, she brought her gaze back to his and nodded.

And that was enough for him.

If she needed him, even if it was as a stand-in for someone else, for someone she loved who would never be him, he'd do it.

He loved her too damned much to let her suffer.

He moved forward, pulled her against him. His lips sought the warmth of hers, his hands lifting her against him again.

Her legs wrapped around him, the press of her thighs on his hips intoxicating. She didn't kiss him with the same desperation as before, and hell, he could almost pretend she wanted him. He lost himself in the fantasy of it all, in the idea that they could ever have this, be this.

He carried her up the stairs, to her room, to the large bed with the picture of the drell on the nightstand.

He wanted to turn the picture down, to not see that face staring back, but he couldn't. Jane knew too much already; she didn't need to know how much thing stung.

Instead, he lowered her onto the bed, stripping her of the rest of her clothing, of his, until nothing but memories and grief filled the space between them.

She dug her nails into his skin, drawing blood she didn't seem to notice. Thane's scales probably kept that from happening, so he said nothing. He took the pain as just another thing he’d give her. If she needed him to bleed for her, he would. 

Her thigh moved up his hip, her leg wrapping around him as he pushed into her, her eyes closed.

She never did open them, never looked at him. Broken moans filled the silence, an occasional hitch when he filled her, when he touched her just right, and his heavy breathing.

They twisted around each other, driven by what both of them wanted and neither could have. For her, Thane. For him, her.

So he took her, offering her a chance to forget, to get lost in the touch of his hands, in the heat of his body, in the familiar motions that she said she needed. In exchange, he let himself pretend this was real, that she wanted him, that this was the culmination of all those years of longing from him. In the end, they used each other.

When they finished, both soaked in sweat and breathing hard, neither spoke. What was there to say?

Jane laid on her side, her face toward the picture, her back to him. Still, she wouldn't face him, wouldn't look at him.

He reached out to touch her, but hesitated, his hand hanging mid-air.

She wasn't his to touch. He knew it; he'd always known it. Even after this, they weren't together, weren't lovers. She loved a dead man, and he loved a woman who would never love him back.

He pulled away, rolling out of the bed and redressing in silence. Her shoulders shook, tiny trembles that gave away the tears she wouldn't admit to.

No, not Commander Shepard. She didn't cry, and even if she ever did, she'd never do it in front of Kaidan. They weren't like that. . .

He left her alone, again trying to give her what she wanted, what she needed, but knowing damned well it would never be him.

Before he left her apartment, he found himself face to face with the large picture of Thane. Why him? What had been so special about some assassin that he'd win what Kaidan had wanted for so long?

He wanted to drive his fist through the picture. He wanted to use his biotics and toss the thing across the room and break it into a million pieces since he couldn't do it to the man anymore.

But that would hurt Jane. He could picture the look on her face if she saw that. Not just because of the damage to an image of Thane, but because it would let her in on how damned hurt he was. He couldn't do that, not to her. 

So he shook his head, turned his back on the picture and the woman who didn't want him, and left.

Sometimes he was reminded the universe was a cruel place, and the only thing any of them could do was pretend it wasn't, just for a moment.


End file.
